The Limitation Chronicles - PERFECT!, HEARTBREAK REVISITED, What Is Real?
Chapter Forty-five - The Limitation Chronicles - PERFECT I had a perfect relationship with someone last week. It lasted 3 hours. The connection was perfect, the fun was perfect, the excitement was perfect, the conversation was perfect, the kissing was perfect, even the ping pong was perfect. The experience was perfect and it was complete. I did not realize the significance of the experience until my show today on News For The Soul when I was encouraging one of the callers, our friend, Pam, to pause for the perfection of a moment we were sharing. At the end of the show I felt, as I always do, how perfect the hour had been and my gratitude for that perfect hour. And I realized how many perfect, absolutely perfect, moments, hours, even days (these days) I have in my life and then I knew that the significance of my perfect and complete three hour relationship was that it was absolutely perfect. It did not need to last a life time. It did not need to include raising children or going to the mall or growing older together. So today I am considering a new paradigm, one where my life is a series of perfect moments, each one complete, strung together like perfect and unique jewels or snowflakes. And I pause after each to honor it and marvel at its perfection and feel unlimited and unbridled gratitude for having experienced such a perfect experience, like the feeling I have right now writing about this and sharing it with you.... From this perfect moment to the one you have the opportunity to experience...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Chapter Forty-four - The Limitation Chronicles
HEARTBREAK REVISITED or IT’S TIME FOR JOHNATHAN TO RETURN TO SCHOOL
It is that time of year again, Johnathan is going back to school on Monday and while I have been doing a good job of not projecting myself into a sad future I can no longer avoid the feelings that have been building up inside me about his departure and the huge void I feel in the middle of my body where all of my organs used to be. So the tears are streaming freely and I am feeling and paying homage to the huge hole, cavernous hole, in the middle of my being. The irony is complete and not lost on me; I spend ALL my time learning to be in a place where I can love this much and I still cannot believe how much I love this being; my son - that piece of me who is also, distinctly, his own creation. How is it possible to love this much, hurt this much, and still survive? I literally cannot breathe it hurts so much. I want to just make him little again and put him back inside my body where I can be with him always and I know that cannot be. I have raised him to be his own person, an adventurer, and he is and it is his time to shine. Oh my boy, I love you so much and I am so proud of you, of who you are and who you want to be, of your insight and depth and decency. I am actually the luckiest woman in the world to have you as a son. You are a constant source of delight and astonishment, fun and joy and I am going to miss you, again, more than it is actually possible to miss someone. And while I am learning to continue expanding my heart into places it has never gone before your “job” is to continue to learn about and value you, to grow and thrive and explore the depths, both internal and external and I know you will do it as only you can, with the same “perfection” with which you approach all parts of your life. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. I simply can’t imagine a better or more fulfilling experience. In a life which may be deemed by the outside world as a series of “mistakes” you are the one creation about which I have always been and will always be sure. I love you sweetie and I wish and will ask that you have constant fair winds as you spread your beautiful and rapidly growing wings.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Chapter Forty-three - The Limitation Chronicles - What Is Real?
WHAT IS REAL? My mind is a jumble as it fights for control of what I want to write. It is very dear and very excited about all we have to share but, unfortunately, it does not KNOW. So I am allowing myself to get into my body, where it probably has not been for more than minutes at a time for days. As I sink into my human form I see that the “jumble” is me feeling several different emotions all at the same time; excitement, gratitude, humility, impatience, sadness, faith and knowing. I will write about each, being willing, as ever, to believe that what I write will be meaningful and helpful to someone. The excitement is about my life from this second on. I finally believe to my core that my life going forward is not going to be as painful or hard or lonely or sad or frightening as my life to this point.
I finally know there is no cosmic “other shoe” to drop just when I am happy and relaxed and vulnerable because I am in my heart without protection. There is no other shoe because I finally love and value and honor myself enough that I do not need to create another shoe, unless of course, it is fabulous and meant to be worn as part of a pair. I feel grateful because I finally love, value and honor myself enough to create a life that is fun and filled with wonderful and loving people who get me and love that I get them. I also feel incredibly grateful because I know what I am here to do and I actually get to do it, every day. I think other than having my son, Johnathan, in my life, there is no greater joy for me than that. Knowing what I am here to do and actually having the complete joy and fulfillment of doing it. I feel humble because I know what I am here to do and I actually get to do it and not only do it but receive money for doing it and see that what I “do” is actually helping other people to feel happy and find the value in themselves. This circuit of giving and receiving fully and freely is the most wonderfully humbling experience I have ever had and I feel it way down in my root as something just profound. I feel impatient because I am starting to actually “see” my path take shape and it looks so freaking awesome I just want to jump on it and run full speed but it is not quite time yet and any of you who know me well know that delayed gratification has never been a strong suit.
I feel sad because I have spent the best summer ever with my favorite person on the planet, my son, and he is returning to University in just over a week. I love him so much and he is rapidly becoming the person I, judgmentally, always hoped he would be; someone able to show how kind and considerate and caring he really is. I am just so proud of him I could burst, even though he is clearly his own creation, largely in spite of and not because of me. So as I sit here with tears running down my face I will remind myself when I am finished writing this morning to just stay in the present and enjoy every second with him because he is not gone yet! I feel faith and knowing even though they are not experiences we would normally associate with a feeling. For me, they are tied together and I experience them as sensations in my solar plexus (faith) and my sacral (knowing) chakras. And they are just there, like beacons and floatation devices (??) all at the same time and I feel incredibly grateful and humble and happy that they have become trusted friends and integral parts of my being. I know this fall is going to bring me many new opportunities; I have seen the seeds of some of them planted already.
My most fervent desire is to be fully present to experience and enjoy all of them and to use what I learn from them to spread more love and joy to any and all choosing to accept it from me. In closing today, I honor me for having done the work and for continuing to do the work and I ask you to consider honoring yourself for your journey and the work you have done and will do to experience, celebrate and fully en-joy your life as well. From all of me to all of you (and I hope you can feel it)...
To be continued...
Sunday, August 5, 2012